Honestly Me

One of the characteristics I've prized since I was a child—besides loyalty—is honesty. I can get along better with friends who are a little testy but I know where they stand, than ones always kind to my face but I never know how they feel.

Being a pursuer of honesty sure sounds virtuous, but it has a snag. How much is too much? 

This came up this summer. I had a roommate who was raised to believe that showing annoyance or even weariness is not acceptable. That one should always be pleasant.

I don't disagree that there is a point for this; one doesn't need to reveal every feeling nor should one. But there seems an element of dishonesty when one is upset by something someone has done, yet acts as if one is still on the best of terms with the other.

Because of this internal dilemma, I find I instinctively wish to avoid the person who has hurt me. This gives me time to figure out the storm within me and pray for peace. My reaction to a situation too is usually delayed. Anger or hurt often arises after a time of reflection. Dealing with this before being faced with the provocateur allows me to react in an honest, but appropriate matter.

Truthfully (since we're on that topic), if the hurt is deep, I would prefer to forgive them, but not ever have to face them again. Maybe I have done that in my past. 

Lately, God has brought several people into my life to humble me, yet He won't let me run from them. I'll have to face them again. I'll need to deal respectfully with them. Yet, I also want to be honest in my interaction and not treat them differently to their face than I feel behind their back. 

I know prayer is the best way to change an attitude, but it still isn't easy.

Have you wrestled with this? If so, what has helped you?

The Architecture of Friendship

I've been contemplating lately what endears me to another person turning them into a friend.

In an essay I wrote as a child, the two characteristics I noted as being of top importance are honesty and loyalty. These are what I look for and admire in anyone with whom I interact. This is just a basis for friendship, but doesn't make a friend.

A friend is someone with a foundation of honesty (about his/herself and about me) and loyalty (he/she "has my back"). Upon this, four walls rest: depth (thought and conversation), humour, safety, and the appreciation of beauty (trivial and profound). The best friendships are housed under the roof of friendship with God (it may be argued that God is the foundation, but that's a different metaphor).

Depth: The best conversations are ones that interest all participants, are contributed to by all, and stretch the mind. These conversations are rare, but, when found, take moments to produce growth that usually takes years.

Humour: Anyone who knows me, even on the most superficial level, knows my appreciation for humour. Anyone who can make me laugh or, even better, can laugh beside me cannot be far akin from me. My family grew up laughing. Our humour often comes off dry and sarcastic, but is not usually meant to demean or belittle. So many times my humour goes over people's heads. Occasionally, I'll say something, expecting the necessity to explain, but the person understands. The relief of being understood!

Safety: Many people will share, but few will listen. How many times have you had someone ask how you are and never stop to hear? It's a cliché. Most people want you to be well, because they are too burdened or excited by their own world to care about yours. Few, precious few, listen anymore. I need to be careful that I do not become jaded. I find I hold back from most people, because I have seen too many times how little they care. They are not a safe place. You can't be vulnerable without fear of hurt. A true friend is safe. Even if they have to tell you you're wrong, it comes from their heart. The wound is healing.

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Appreciation: At times, life may seem dark and hopeless. Yet, even in the dark, there is a longing for what is lovely. I gravitate to ones who see in the tiny ant or snowflake the profound creativity of God.

In college, one of my good friends, Masha, would always look up into the sky and comment on the beauty of the clouds or the sunset. She taught me to look up. To this day, whenever I appreciate the beauty of God's upper canvas, I think of Masha.

G.K. Chesterton wrote, "The hopeful element in the universe has in modern times continually been denied and reasserted; but the hopeless element has never for a moment been denied."

In a publicity teleseminar yesterday, the PR expert said that now is the best time for hopeful stories, because our nation (indeed the world) is on overload from all the bad news.

Friends, who can see beauty in the grand and insignificant, help to lift our focus from the dirt to the sky.

Your turn. What is your definition of a friend?