The Architecture of Friendship

I've been contemplating lately what endears me to another person turning them into a friend.

In an essay I wrote as a child, the two characteristics I noted as being of top importance are honesty and loyalty. These are what I look for and admire in anyone with whom I interact. This is just a basis for friendship, but doesn't make a friend.

A friend is someone with a foundation of honesty (about his/herself and about me) and loyalty (he/she "has my back"). Upon this, four walls rest: depth (thought and conversation), humour, safety, and the appreciation of beauty (trivial and profound). The best friendships are housed under the roof of friendship with God (it may be argued that God is the foundation, but that's a different metaphor).

Depth: The best conversations are ones that interest all participants, are contributed to by all, and stretch the mind. These conversations are rare, but, when found, take moments to produce growth that usually takes years.

Humour: Anyone who knows me, even on the most superficial level, knows my appreciation for humour. Anyone who can make me laugh or, even better, can laugh beside me cannot be far akin from me. My family grew up laughing. Our humour often comes off dry and sarcastic, but is not usually meant to demean or belittle. So many times my humour goes over people's heads. Occasionally, I'll say something, expecting the necessity to explain, but the person understands. The relief of being understood!

Safety: Many people will share, but few will listen. How many times have you had someone ask how you are and never stop to hear? It's a cliché. Most people want you to be well, because they are too burdened or excited by their own world to care about yours. Few, precious few, listen anymore. I need to be careful that I do not become jaded. I find I hold back from most people, because I have seen too many times how little they care. They are not a safe place. You can't be vulnerable without fear of hurt. A true friend is safe. Even if they have to tell you you're wrong, it comes from their heart. The wound is healing.

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Appreciation: At times, life may seem dark and hopeless. Yet, even in the dark, there is a longing for what is lovely. I gravitate to ones who see in the tiny ant or snowflake the profound creativity of God.

In college, one of my good friends, Masha, would always look up into the sky and comment on the beauty of the clouds or the sunset. She taught me to look up. To this day, whenever I appreciate the beauty of God's upper canvas, I think of Masha.

G.K. Chesterton wrote, "The hopeful element in the universe has in modern times continually been denied and reasserted; but the hopeless element has never for a moment been denied."

In a publicity teleseminar yesterday, the PR expert said that now is the best time for hopeful stories, because our nation (indeed the world) is on overload from all the bad news.

Friends, who can see beauty in the grand and insignificant, help to lift our focus from the dirt to the sky.

Your turn. What is your definition of a friend?

You Were Meant for Me and I was Meant for You

I find it interesting that God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him," before Adam had sinned and while God and man were in a perfect relationship. I think God said it at this time for a couple of reasons.

One: We were made for community. No person was made to be an island. Community can be marriage or just friendship, but we need to be in communication with others.

Like many counterfeits, I think first TV and now social media have provided a false sense of community. Researches say that our emotions respond to familiar characters on TV the way they do when we see our friends. The problem with this false sense of companionship is the giving is all one-sided, and what we do get is not what we need.

We have substituted relational candy that is quick, sweet, and easy to throw out if we get tired of it, for the nutritious roughage that a real, physically-present friend can provide. It's safer to hide behind a changing profile picture than to expose ourselves to someone who may reject us. This "safety," however, stunts our growth.

Two: Being sovereign and knowing Adam would soon sin and break his relationship with Him, God provided a way for us to live out our salvation. Before sin, Adam and Eve walked physically in God's presence. When sin entered between them, although blood provided a way for them to still reach out for God, they could not, and we cannot, physically see Him. The danger then becomes easy to fool ourselves into a head religion with no actual love for God. The solution? If we love God, it comes out in our physical and emotional giving to...other people.

By example and continuous blatant teaching, Jesus showed us how we love God. We can love others, with a selfish love, and not love God, but we cannot love God and not love others.

Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ~John 13:34-35

I believe it's important that we not give up meeting together for this very reason. Going to church and gathering with friends for both worship and play is vital. We need to give and to receive. This cannot be done through an electronic arm only. We have real arms for real hugs.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts: disagreeing, agreeing or adding. Please feel free to share.

Unity vs. Unanimity

Growing up in the church, I've seen what disagreements can do to a congregation. For some reason, our western churches, or at least those in the U.S., feel we should avoid disagreements. If people cannot agree on everything, then those who think differently start their own church, go to a church they agree with, or begin a new denomination.

Where did the idea begin that unity meant never disagreeing?

One definition of unity that I feel best reflects the biblical idea is this: something whole or complete formed by combining or joining separate things or entities.

Someone once pointed out the diversity of Jesus' disciples: zealots (fighting against Rome), tax collectors (working for Rome), and fishermen (paying the taxes to Rome). The miracle of their unity lay in their following Jesus.

However, many times Jesus had to break up their arguments. What caused the friction? Pride. Jesus kept reminding them that it wasn't about them. After the ascension and the coming of the Holy Spirit, the somewhat cowardly, often prideful disciples became the courageous apostles spreading the Good News to the world and (most) dying for their faith.

What made the difference?

Although they had been with Jesus, they had not yet been changed by Jesus. Once their sins were paid for and they became filled with the Holy Spirit, their contemplations went from self-ward to God-ward. They saw disagreements as a means for improvement (as my Pastor pointed out from Acts 6:1-7). When all the Christians desired God's glory and the salvation of souls, their individual tastes and opinions became secondary (Acts 4:32-35).

Proberbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." How does iron sharpen iron? By the friction of rubbing the two pieces together. One of the best ways for our own sharp edges to be shaped is by dealing with people who annoy or disagree with us.

Jesus said, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them" (Luke 6:32). And to His followers He said, "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35).

Being cleansed by Jesus and having love for one another is how Christians become "something whole or complete formed by combining or joining separate things or entities" or, I would add, quirks and personalities.

The apostle Paul said, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18). This verse infers that if you do nothing, there will not be peace. Peace is the action taken against the natural result of division. Solving differences of opinion is part of creating peace.

James explains how we are to view our internal struggle for our own way.

But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice (3:14-16).

Instead, James lays the framework in which we should deal with differences.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (3:17-18).

And how do we obtain this wisdom?

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5).

Instead of viewing differences as a cause for parting, let's begin to think constructively about what God can do in and through us as we seek His wisdom, react in love, and pursue peace.