Friendship is Unnecessary

"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival." ~C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

True friendship never begins as a duty. As Lewis says, it begins out of camaraderie in purposeful activity. It is the cherry on the Sunday (or the chocolate, whichever you prefer).

"Friends are not primarily absorbed in each other. It is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up—painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends look in the same direction. Lovers look at each other: that is, in opposite directions." ~C.S. Lewis, Present Concerns

This arose in thought while contemplating the other characteristic (besides honesty) that I greatly admire—loyalty.

In ancient times, and indeed in some cultures today, your survival depended on the loyalty of your friends and of your family. If a traitor dwelt in your midst, your life's hourglass just ran out. You could not storm a castle, more-or-less defend one, if someone close to you divulged your secrets to the enemy. Numbers alone could not determine who won, as much as strategy and, underneath it all, loyalty.

To use a shady example: the old-time Mafia. In high school I became fascinated with studying them. I never glamorized it, yet (and please don't get me wrong) their code of loyalty always intrigued me. You sacrifice yourself before you become a "stooly" on "the family." 

I speak of the "old-time Mafia," because anyone who knows anything about them now knows betrayals, power-struggle-killings, anything is permissible. One writer compared the decline of any so-called "moral code" in the "family" with the United State's moral decline (Italy's problem is another story). As America moved father away from God and ethics, the crime syndicate moved away from their own "ethics." But I digress.

A better example: the spy world. Antonio J. Mendez, in his CIA autobiography The Master of Disguise, explained a deception he had pulled on his trainer, which almost cost him a job as an agent. He said: 

"I had violated a basic tenet in a profession where deception is the stock and trade: You never lie to or attempt to deceive a fellow officer in the service. Once you crossed this line, there was no going back. In what has been aptly termed a 'wilderness of mirrors,' a solid foundation of trust among colleagues had to exist."

How does this all swing back around to friendship?

The reality of my last post was neutralized by the grace of friends. The reality still existed, but these friends figuratively fought alongside me. Instead of wielding swords against an enemy, they shared a meal with laughter and good conversation. At another time I've shared a heart-disappointment, and my friend has offered to "fight him" for me. Neither of us took this offer with any seriousness. Yet, the sentiment is real. He's the defensive older brother I never had.

As Lewis explains in depth in The Four Loves, friendship is not a jealous love. Each friend brings out a side of another that no one else could draw out. If one friend dies, that part that he or she brought out of the other dies too.

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15

All this makes Jesus' statement to His disciples (and now to us) even more significant, don't you think? 

The value of noncompulsory-loyalty in friendship is balm for the soul. It is like glitter falling from heaven's golden streets. Every mile with a friend lightens the burden.

How Are You?

There’s an art in sharing oneself.

I've discovered in most friendships that it is much easier to listen and to ask questions than to share (unless it’s trite facts). I find I feel a little smug when I’ve finished an hour and a half conversation with someone that is all about them.

Then a thought dawns on me. What if when I stand before God expecting praise for my listening ability, He looks sadly at me and asks why I was so stingy with myself?

Ninety or more percent of those I talk to actually don’t want to know any details of my life. I’m sure you’ve found that too. You begin to share something on your heart or answer their question about how you are when you notice they have mentally vacated the premises. Or you share something troubling you and they have an over-simplified, patronising solution that you’ve never found to work. Or you are told that how you feel is not a valid feeling, so you leave feeling worse than when you’d arrived.

I have a friend who I help with vacuuming once a month. The best part is sitting down with her after it’s over. I’ve shared my broken heart with her, and she empathised. I've poured out frustrations, and she sides with me. She doesn’t have pat answers. She doesn’t over-spiritualize. She just cares about me. Throughout our time, she also shares—she tells me of her struggle with grief over her mother’s death and the holidays coming. She has shared her couple-decade-old-hopes that never became reality. She listens and she shares. It’s a rare gift. I treasure those moments.

It seems easier to share with some I’ve never met. It’s often easier to think things through in e-mails and remember to ask things of which you may or may not be interested, because it’s staring at you in black and white. When you’re face to face, though, what you ask or what you share is what is most prominent on your heart or mind.

It’s safer not to share. Rejection, of any kind, pierces deep. 

Do you find it easy to share yourself with others? Why or why not? Who do you have to listen to your hopes and dreams and to trust you with their own?

The Architecture of Friendship

I've been contemplating lately what endears me to another person turning them into a friend.

In an essay I wrote as a child, the two characteristics I noted as being of top importance are honesty and loyalty. These are what I look for and admire in anyone with whom I interact. This is just a basis for friendship, but doesn't make a friend.

A friend is someone with a foundation of honesty (about his/herself and about me) and loyalty (he/she "has my back"). Upon this, four walls rest: depth (thought and conversation), humour, safety, and the appreciation of beauty (trivial and profound). The best friendships are housed under the roof of friendship with God (it may be argued that God is the foundation, but that's a different metaphor).

Depth: The best conversations are ones that interest all participants, are contributed to by all, and stretch the mind. These conversations are rare, but, when found, take moments to produce growth that usually takes years.

Humour: Anyone who knows me, even on the most superficial level, knows my appreciation for humour. Anyone who can make me laugh or, even better, can laugh beside me cannot be far akin from me. My family grew up laughing. Our humour often comes off dry and sarcastic, but is not usually meant to demean or belittle. So many times my humour goes over people's heads. Occasionally, I'll say something, expecting the necessity to explain, but the person understands. The relief of being understood!

Safety: Many people will share, but few will listen. How many times have you had someone ask how you are and never stop to hear? It's a cliché. Most people want you to be well, because they are too burdened or excited by their own world to care about yours. Few, precious few, listen anymore. I need to be careful that I do not become jaded. I find I hold back from most people, because I have seen too many times how little they care. They are not a safe place. You can't be vulnerable without fear of hurt. A true friend is safe. Even if they have to tell you you're wrong, it comes from their heart. The wound is healing.

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Appreciation: At times, life may seem dark and hopeless. Yet, even in the dark, there is a longing for what is lovely. I gravitate to ones who see in the tiny ant or snowflake the profound creativity of God.

In college, one of my good friends, Masha, would always look up into the sky and comment on the beauty of the clouds or the sunset. She taught me to look up. To this day, whenever I appreciate the beauty of God's upper canvas, I think of Masha.

G.K. Chesterton wrote, "The hopeful element in the universe has in modern times continually been denied and reasserted; but the hopeless element has never for a moment been denied."

In a publicity teleseminar yesterday, the PR expert said that now is the best time for hopeful stories, because our nation (indeed the world) is on overload from all the bad news.

Friends, who can see beauty in the grand and insignificant, help to lift our focus from the dirt to the sky.

Your turn. What is your definition of a friend?