Friendship is Unnecessary

"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival." ~C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

True friendship never begins as a duty. As Lewis says, it begins out of camaraderie in purposeful activity. It is the cherry on the Sunday (or the chocolate, whichever you prefer).

"Friends are not primarily absorbed in each other. It is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up—painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends look in the same direction. Lovers look at each other: that is, in opposite directions." ~C.S. Lewis, Present Concerns

This arose in thought while contemplating the other characteristic (besides honesty) that I greatly admire—loyalty.

In ancient times, and indeed in some cultures today, your survival depended on the loyalty of your friends and of your family. If a traitor dwelt in your midst, your life's hourglass just ran out. You could not storm a castle, more-or-less defend one, if someone close to you divulged your secrets to the enemy. Numbers alone could not determine who won, as much as strategy and, underneath it all, loyalty.

To use a shady example: the old-time Mafia. In high school I became fascinated with studying them. I never glamorized it, yet (and please don't get me wrong) their code of loyalty always intrigued me. You sacrifice yourself before you become a "stooly" on "the family." 

I speak of the "old-time Mafia," because anyone who knows anything about them now knows betrayals, power-struggle-killings, anything is permissible. One writer compared the decline of any so-called "moral code" in the "family" with the United State's moral decline (Italy's problem is another story). As America moved father away from God and ethics, the crime syndicate moved away from their own "ethics." But I digress.

A better example: the spy world. Antonio J. Mendez, in his CIA autobiography The Master of Disguise, explained a deception he had pulled on his trainer, which almost cost him a job as an agent. He said: 

"I had violated a basic tenet in a profession where deception is the stock and trade: You never lie to or attempt to deceive a fellow officer in the service. Once you crossed this line, there was no going back. In what has been aptly termed a 'wilderness of mirrors,' a solid foundation of trust among colleagues had to exist."

How does this all swing back around to friendship?

The reality of my last post was neutralized by the grace of friends. The reality still existed, but these friends figuratively fought alongside me. Instead of wielding swords against an enemy, they shared a meal with laughter and good conversation. At another time I've shared a heart-disappointment, and my friend has offered to "fight him" for me. Neither of us took this offer with any seriousness. Yet, the sentiment is real. He's the defensive older brother I never had.

As Lewis explains in depth in The Four Loves, friendship is not a jealous love. Each friend brings out a side of another that no one else could draw out. If one friend dies, that part that he or she brought out of the other dies too.

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15

All this makes Jesus' statement to His disciples (and now to us) even more significant, don't you think? 

The value of noncompulsory-loyalty in friendship is balm for the soul. It is like glitter falling from heaven's golden streets. Every mile with a friend lightens the burden.