Northerness

This time of year--fall, winter, Thanksgiving, Christmas--sets me thinking about years past. Almost inevitably, I feel an ache for an intangible day, an idyllic childhood, a memory of complete acceptance in my family. Almost inevitably, in my memory, I come up empty of such a life, day, moment. Why?

One of my favourite authors, C.S. Lewis, tried to capture and analyze this feeling throughout his lifetime. He called the ache "Joy" and described it as different from both pleasure and happiness. In his youth, Lewis discovered the feeling inexplicably rising up in the midst of a piece of music or a story. It could never be duplicated at will from the same music or story, however.

Looking back in his autobiography, Lewis wrote, "I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is.... Joy is distinct not only from pleasure in general but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing.... All Joy reminds. It is never a possession, always a desire for something longer ago or further away or still 'about to be'.... I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for Joy."

At this time of year when Nostalgia settles in with the bustle of activity, what is it really that you are longing for? Could you go back to it or is it just a stab of Joy?